“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

Goodbye Sanity...

She doesn't move very often, but every now and then I'll get a tiny little nudge, or perhaps a miniature somersault and I can't help but smile just a little and say my hellos to the tiny person who is responsible for my ever expanding waistline.

I'm scared. Not for the delivery or for the money and not even for the extra years I have to wait before I can take a decent vacation. I must admit, however, that I'm a tad bit nervous for my sanity's sake. You see, I haven't really had a decent night's sleep in 5 years.

Five years? Surely your kids sleep through the night by now?? You might say. Sleep doesn't come easily to me...it never has, so imagine yourself laying down and finally drifting off to a peaceful slumber when suddenly you hear a bone chilling cry coming from your son's room. You jump out of bed half unconscious and run to console and comfort. When you get there you see that he is screaming with his eyes shut tightly, his body drenched in sweat...and you realize that there is nothing that you can do except for rub his back as he cries out in fear, breaking you heart with each scream. Finally, when he starts to calm down, you pick up his little body and as he clings to you and buries his head in the crook of your neck, you hold him tight and whisper "Shh. It's okay, mommy's got you." Over and over again until his sobs turn to whimpers and eventually he drifts once more into dreamland...one that is hopefully a much happier place.

Night terrors. It's the worst seeing your child scream out in fear as you sit idly by, not able to do a single thing about it. Also...I can't say that I enjoy falling asleep only to be woken up an hour later. So, I wait. I wait until about 11:30-midnight for him to cry. If hasn't cried by that time, there's a good chance he'll be okay.

Now, let's add Mikayla. Every night, at around 1, she crawls into bed with me. I lay there sandwiched between a 4 year old's flailing arms and a husband who I don't want to disturb trying desperately to get my aching body comfortable, turn off my mind, and go to sleep.

I manage. It's doable. But now add a newborn.

Please send your regards to my brain. I'm pretty sure it will be taking an extended leave of absence within a few short months.

*A few months ago when we got in the car to go somewhere (I forget where) Joel turned the car on and suddenly the radio was making an incredibly LOUD obnoxious sound (something was obviously wrong with it). The kids started crying- Mikayla got out and I ran around to get Hunter. I quickly got him out of his carseat and swooped him into my arms. He held me so tightly, his little hands clenched to my shirt, saying "I gotchoo! I gotchoo!" I must admit...my heart melted =)

Two?

When you only have two children, you get asked quite a bit "So...when are you having another one?" or "How many kids do you want?". Joel and I would answer without a second thought or hesitation "Two."

It's true, there was a time when I had a little niggling at the back of my mind, asking me to think about it more. I did...I asked Joel if he was sure. He told me each time, before I could even finish the thought that he didn't want any more children. Soon- after the tantrums, the sickness, and the whining-I realized that I was almost out of the two year old, diaper, devil child phase... and I was so happy! I didn't have to go through waking up at all hours of the night trying to soothe a crying baby. As soon as Hunter was potty trained...that was it! No.more.POOP! I was right on board with Joel. We could afford to go on trips around the globe with our family (in the future) and go to Broadway shows, or baseball games, etc. It was the right choice for our family. My sister even asked me once if I felt jealous or guilty when I saw other women getting pregnant. I could honestly say "No...not even a little bit."

There was another time, when we were driving to Snowflake and I saw a license plate that read "Ruby." I thought (as most girls do when they see a cute name) "hmm, Ruby. I like that. If I were to have a girl, maybe we'd name her that. Yeah, right. It would probably be a boy anyway." Then, out of nowhere and clear as day I heard "No. You have a girl. Her name is Chloe." I laughed out loud. Joel asked what was so funny. I told him....he did not think it was funny and he was not amused. I dismissed the crazy thought.

Joel and I were careful. We had issues having children and I figured that infertility had to be good for something...right? I think you know where this is headed: we're pregnant. With a girl. Her name will be Chloe.

It took a little while and a complete reverse in our thinking, but we are now so incredibly happy! Sometimes the Lord has other plans. Sometimes you think you know what you want but in actuality, you need a little help realizing what true blessings really are.

The Journey

Happiness should never be the goal. It is a byproduct of a life well lived. If you search for it, you'll most likely miss it. If you live your life with purpose, vision, and take time for reflection then happiness will come up on you not only in moments when you're trying to count your blessings, but it can catch you by surprise in the little moments and make your heart giggle with joy like a whisper in the wind that sneaks up on you, making you smile. Your heart has to be open, your mind clear and willing to accept it. If negativity fills your thoughts...there is no room for those tiny seeds of quiet and simple joy.

I was sitting on the bathroom floor this morning, my son's head resting in my lap as he slept off the sickness that put us there, and as I watched him, I felt joy that he should find comfort in my touch, my presence. I wasn't trying to make the situation better (I could barely keep my eyes open, let alone think clearly) and I wasn't searching for happiness...it was just there waiting for me.

Find peace in your decisions, making the right choices not only for your family but for you. Not only should you find joy in the journey, but if you love the journey of the life you've chosen for yourself then happiness will find you.