Chloe Jane Nickle

Here She Is

*Warning~if you're a pansy and can't handle horror movies, don't read this post!...hahaha, just kidding. It wasn't that bad.

I went to the doctor that Wednesday, knowing full well that I wasn't dilated any further than the last visit. Knowing that I was going to go past my expected due date. Just knowing that I had plenty of time to finish all of the projects I had started for little miss Chloe's nursery. However, I was wrong. I had gone from a 1 to a 3 and my doctor asked if I'd like her to strip my membranes...now remember...I knew I was going to have her past my edd, so in my mixed up logic I thought that perhaps if she stripped my membranes I'd have a shot of maybe going into labor before the end of the year, so I said yes.

Have any of you experiences false labor? It's annoying. Especially when you're self pay and you know that if you go into the hospital to get checked out and they send you home it will cost you a pretty penny. That night, after my appointment, I started having this ridiculous false labor...contractions 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 15 minutes, 3 minutes...you get the point, so I didn't sleep a wink. It continued on like this throughout most of Thursday, but around 4 pm they started to get a little more regular at 5 minutes apart. "I think this might be it, Joel. Why don't we head to the hospital and wait around just in case they get closer together." (I don't know if you remember Hunter's story...but he was born 20 minutes after we got to the hospital...I didn't want to risk having my baby in the car).

Then, naturally, when we got there it went back to false labor. We decided to bag it and go back home. With my other two, my water broke so there was no guess work. This was frustrating to say the least. We got home, gave the kids their baths, put Mikayla in her jammies, and then...I felt what I thought was my water breaking, so I rushed to the bathroom only to discover that it wasn't water after all, but blood. A LOT of blood. I yelled for Joel...this couldn't be good. Then I had my stud of a husband rush me to the hospital where we met his parents (so they could take the kids). We got to the emergency room where they proceeded to take their sweet time asking me stupid questions while in my head I was screaming that I was bleeding and would someone please do something about it!!!!! We made our way to triage where I told her about what happened and she told me that it was just some bloody show....what?? Then she checked me and I was only at a 4...she told me if I didn't start to progress further I might be sent home. Okay...seriously? I was not going home only to stress about whether or not my baby was okay. I mean, c'mon, I'd only been there for like 5 minutes, how the heck did she know how fast I was progressing?? She came back a little while later and told me that I should walk around for an hour. After 40 minutes of walking my contractions where 2.5 minutes apart. I came back, she checked, and I was at a 7. I was tired and after 40 hours of no sleep and contractions, I didn't want the pain. I asked if I could see the anesthesiologist. Then when she came in I asked how much she would charge for an epidural. She told me and then said we'd have to wait for the results of some blood work first, I asked how long that would take, she told me 30 minutes and I simply said "okay", but I was thinking You want me to go through this for 30 more minutes?! Do you know what's going to happen in 30 minutes? I'll be almost finished with this whole thing! Then, knowing I was going to have to deal with going through transition without pain meds, I asked Joel to get me my book. I decided to concentrate on the story rather than the pain. I was reading when the anesthesiologist came back in and told me that she would give me a spinal block at no charge, but we still needed to wait for the results of the blood test. As she was talking, the strongest most painful contraction swept through me and I pleaded for there to be some way we could fore go the results so I didn't have to feel it any more. I continued to plead as my nurse put my legs in the stirrups and told me to push through the next contraction. Then my cries changed from wanting medication to "Please get.her.OUT!!" It hurt, I was exhausted, and I as soon as they placed her on my chest, I was in love.

Color Confidential

Major dilemma...I'm talkin' huge. What colors should I use for the nursery?? I have less than three months until d-day and I'd like to at least get a start on the nursery.

Red and Aqua:


Orange (more of a muted peachy orange) with aqua:


Pink, Cream, and Yellow:

Bento Box/ Muffin Tin Kids Lunch

I saw the cutest lunch idea for kids the other day: Bento boxes! They were adorable! But when I went to the store to buy the tupperware I couldn't find them. Instead, I found muffin tins at the local DollarTree (I'd seen the muffin tin lunch ideas before, but I thought the bento boxes were waaay cuter...oh-well).

My kids are p.i.c.k.y. with a capital P, and they can't have very much sugar or heavily processed foods (don't ask...it's a long story) so getting them to eat is a definite challenge. To get them to at least try all of the healthy food, I decided to wrap a surprise treat that they could only open after they had finished the rest.

*animal crackers *Plain Greek yogurt with a little manuka honey and sprinkles *no sugar added apple sauce *PB&honey sandwich *Surprise (half a granola bar)
*Green Machine juice

We had a great afternoon lazing on the back patio having a nice picnic, feeling and watching the baby kick. And now they're outside...coloring all over themselves with what I hope is washable marker.

Thirty. The big 3-0. It's not a big deal...nooope. No big deal. Nada. I'm totally fine with it. Totally. Really, I am. That is if you considering me throwing the ultimate tantrum and screaming "Why, oh why am I getting older?" as I drown my sorrow in a gallon of icecream, donuts and chick flicks "fine"...then yes, I'm totally fine.

However, there is a teensy thing bothering me. I didn't accomplish either of the goals I set for myself. I didn't have tons of them...just 2:
1. To own my home free and clear. Well, the economy kind of took a toll on that goal. That's okay. Stuff happens.
2. To write a book (something I've been working on on and off of-well...mostly off- for the past 4 years) .

Here's where my dilemma comes to play: I have very limited spare time, so do I work on something that's been a dream of mine, even when I know that the chances of getting published are slim to none. Or, do I do something that I like (photography) that doesn't pay all that much (but a little is better than nothing!) and put aside writing the book.

You see, I don't have much time to decide because once baby #3 arrives, I doubt I'll have any spare time for writing, but before baby arrives (now) is the season for family pictures. Am I wasting my precious spare time by doing something that makes me happy...even if it doesn't bring in money?

What you gon' do with all that junk?

(I'll post preggo pics tomorrow...I can't figure out how to get the pics of my hubby's new camera..which since I'm a photographer I probably shouldn't admit that...)

I'm almost 26 weeks now and I'm feeling a bit...um huge (it doesn't help that my dear sweet husband likes to add sound effects every.single.time I bend over).

"You're not fat, you're pregnant!" Yes. Yes, I am...but there's not a baby in my behind.

I don't know when it started, this obsession with finding our faults and our flaws. Having contests with other girls to see who wins for the worst self-image. It's a cycle: someone insults themselves and you can't say "Whoa, yeah...I totally see what you mean. You're butt has gotten a lot bigger since the last time I saw you!" so instead you say. "What?? That's nothing. Have you seen the bags under my eyes? And these wrinkles! Don't even get me started!"

Well, if you're looking for flaws, you'll find 'em. If you keep pointing them out over and over (and over and over) then pretty soon that's all you'll see. That's how it was for me. Years and years of focusing on flaws instead of seeing the original beauty has taken a toll, but I'm not only affecting my self-image...but my daughter's as well.

I was having a particularly bad day filled with self-deprecation when I came across this blog article. Amazing. I love it. Read it.
Cardigan Empire

Did you read it? Yes? You're welcome.
Don't be hatin'. Love who you are. If you're scarfing down the cookies, then don't complain about it when it hits your rump. If you have healthy eating habits then embrace your bootiliciousness. And wrinkles? Me? Oh, no, no...I don't have any of those. I just have proof that I love to laugh ;)

(I bet you have the song stuck in your head now, huh? I don't think you're ready for this jelly, I don't think you're ready for this jelly, 'cause my body's too bootilicious for ya babe!)

DIYADD

I have DIYADD. What? I just made that up? Oh, no..I can assure you it's real (just ask my husband). I look around my house, get annoyed that it's not how I want it and frustrated because we don't have the cash for what I want. So, what do I do? I see all of these great DIY projects that I can do (never mind the fact that I have two crazy-bored kids and I'm so tired all.day.long that I can barely keep my eyes open let alone pick up a hammer). I get so excited and psyched, I go out and buy what I need and then another project catches my eye (squirrel! That's for you, Olivia). So, here's my list, let's see how much of it gets finished before baby arrives!!

Kitchen:


Mikayla and Hunter's room:


Reupholster chair:


Make some frames:


Baby Nursery and crib bedding:


And then of course, I have all of the Holiday crafts and decor...but I'll save that for another post!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

Goodbye Sanity...

She doesn't move very often, but every now and then I'll get a tiny little nudge, or perhaps a miniature somersault and I can't help but smile just a little and say my hellos to the tiny person who is responsible for my ever expanding waistline.

I'm scared. Not for the delivery or for the money and not even for the extra years I have to wait before I can take a decent vacation. I must admit, however, that I'm a tad bit nervous for my sanity's sake. You see, I haven't really had a decent night's sleep in 5 years.

Five years? Surely your kids sleep through the night by now?? You might say. Sleep doesn't come easily to me...it never has, so imagine yourself laying down and finally drifting off to a peaceful slumber when suddenly you hear a bone chilling cry coming from your son's room. You jump out of bed half unconscious and run to console and comfort. When you get there you see that he is screaming with his eyes shut tightly, his body drenched in sweat...and you realize that there is nothing that you can do except for rub his back as he cries out in fear, breaking you heart with each scream. Finally, when he starts to calm down, you pick up his little body and as he clings to you and buries his head in the crook of your neck, you hold him tight and whisper "Shh. It's okay, mommy's got you." Over and over again until his sobs turn to whimpers and eventually he drifts once more into dreamland...one that is hopefully a much happier place.

Night terrors. It's the worst seeing your child scream out in fear as you sit idly by, not able to do a single thing about it. Also...I can't say that I enjoy falling asleep only to be woken up an hour later. So, I wait. I wait until about 11:30-midnight for him to cry. If hasn't cried by that time, there's a good chance he'll be okay.

Now, let's add Mikayla. Every night, at around 1, she crawls into bed with me. I lay there sandwiched between a 4 year old's flailing arms and a husband who I don't want to disturb trying desperately to get my aching body comfortable, turn off my mind, and go to sleep.

I manage. It's doable. But now add a newborn.

Please send your regards to my brain. I'm pretty sure it will be taking an extended leave of absence within a few short months.

*A few months ago when we got in the car to go somewhere (I forget where) Joel turned the car on and suddenly the radio was making an incredibly LOUD obnoxious sound (something was obviously wrong with it). The kids started crying- Mikayla got out and I ran around to get Hunter. I quickly got him out of his carseat and swooped him into my arms. He held me so tightly, his little hands clenched to my shirt, saying "I gotchoo! I gotchoo!" I must admit...my heart melted =)

Two?

When you only have two children, you get asked quite a bit "So...when are you having another one?" or "How many kids do you want?". Joel and I would answer without a second thought or hesitation "Two."

It's true, there was a time when I had a little niggling at the back of my mind, asking me to think about it more. I did...I asked Joel if he was sure. He told me each time, before I could even finish the thought that he didn't want any more children. Soon- after the tantrums, the sickness, and the whining-I realized that I was almost out of the two year old, diaper, devil child phase... and I was so happy! I didn't have to go through waking up at all hours of the night trying to soothe a crying baby. As soon as Hunter was potty trained...that was it! No.more.POOP! I was right on board with Joel. We could afford to go on trips around the globe with our family (in the future) and go to Broadway shows, or baseball games, etc. It was the right choice for our family. My sister even asked me once if I felt jealous or guilty when I saw other women getting pregnant. I could honestly say "No...not even a little bit."

There was another time, when we were driving to Snowflake and I saw a license plate that read "Ruby." I thought (as most girls do when they see a cute name) "hmm, Ruby. I like that. If I were to have a girl, maybe we'd name her that. Yeah, right. It would probably be a boy anyway." Then, out of nowhere and clear as day I heard "No. You have a girl. Her name is Chloe." I laughed out loud. Joel asked what was so funny. I told him....he did not think it was funny and he was not amused. I dismissed the crazy thought.

Joel and I were careful. We had issues having children and I figured that infertility had to be good for something...right? I think you know where this is headed: we're pregnant. With a girl. Her name will be Chloe.

It took a little while and a complete reverse in our thinking, but we are now so incredibly happy! Sometimes the Lord has other plans. Sometimes you think you know what you want but in actuality, you need a little help realizing what true blessings really are.

The Journey

Happiness should never be the goal. It is a byproduct of a life well lived. If you search for it, you'll most likely miss it. If you live your life with purpose, vision, and take time for reflection then happiness will come up on you not only in moments when you're trying to count your blessings, but it can catch you by surprise in the little moments and make your heart giggle with joy like a whisper in the wind that sneaks up on you, making you smile. Your heart has to be open, your mind clear and willing to accept it. If negativity fills your thoughts...there is no room for those tiny seeds of quiet and simple joy.

I was sitting on the bathroom floor this morning, my son's head resting in my lap as he slept off the sickness that put us there, and as I watched him, I felt joy that he should find comfort in my touch, my presence. I wasn't trying to make the situation better (I could barely keep my eyes open, let alone think clearly) and I wasn't searching for happiness...it was just there waiting for me.

Find peace in your decisions, making the right choices not only for your family but for you. Not only should you find joy in the journey, but if you love the journey of the life you've chosen for yourself then happiness will find you.

I love having another boy in the house! Now when Joel and I are too scared to squish a bug...I just hand Hunter the shoe and he starts pounding away at it!

There's nothing like waking up to a cute little boy, having him cuddle up next to you while you watch tv and try to wake up, and then having him throw up all over you...oh, wait...I can think of at least ten things that are better than that. Especially since we all know how I feel about puke. However, I can say that having someone puke all over you wakes you up much faster than a cup of coffee (See? eternal optimist. That's me. Always looking on the bright side).

Why am I talking about this? Because we're all sick here (well all except for Joel...of course. I'm pretty sure he's a super hero in disguise: never gets sick...is so incredibly tired when he gets home. You'd be tired too if you were out flying around and stopping trains). And we're in hell, er...I mean "Arizona". You can't do anything here. We've been trapped inside for only a couple of days now and we're already getting some serious cabin fever. You see, in he-Arizona, you don't open the blinds, you don't turn on the lights and if you're husband is anything like mine, he leaves the AC set at 81 degrees. In our last house he had curtains, blinds, styrofoam and sunscreens on our windows-a hot dark, yucky cave with two stir crazy children makes for one insane mother (especially since I neeeed the sunlight).

I had planned on doing tons of fun things this summer, but because the kids are sick I can't do any of them or even any of the normal summer activities: play place, splash pad, friend's house... I am not going to be the mom who gets everybody else's kids sick!! I am cursing that mom right now because she is the person that got me and my kids sick.

So, I'm going to have to find some fun things to do here, like:
make slime
build forts
have dance parties
Watch movies and eat popcorn
make cupcakes

or...I could just sleep and let the kids run a muck...

Day 19: Me When I Was Little

New Home!

Oops! I just realized that, while people have asked, I haven't said anything about MOVING! It's not a huge deal, seeing as we only moved about 7 minuted north west. I don't have any after pictures because well...we're still working on the afters, but here are a few pics from the listing.

Day 17: something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

Sticks.

Day 16: someone who inspires you

People who can seemingly do everything and still be a great mom and wife do not inspire me...no...they make me feel incompetent and somehow my wonderful, incredibly blessed life seems lacking.



I would have to say that my daughter inspires me. She makes me want to be a better person so I can raise her to be a happy, confident, well rounded person. Everything I want for her to get out of life and to become, I have to try to find out for myself as well. I want to be her example and I would love to be her inspiration some day. I love you sweet girl.

(*I know I didn't say my children. Yes, I want the same for Hunter, but as a girl I need to show Mikayla to be happy with her appearance. I have to be a good example of how a mom is something wonderful and something to find joy in. Hunter has his daddy to look up to for a wonderful example of how to be an honest husband, a loving father and how to work hard and provide for the family)

Day 15: something you want to do before you die

Go to Ireland. Or better yet, live in a little cottage in the countryside and write a novel. This says something you want to do...not something that you will do!

Day 14: someone you could never imagine your life without

I have a rather good imagination. This means that there's not a single person I can think of where I can't imagine my life without. However, most of the time what plays out in my imagination is really sad.

On the same note, there's not a person who I've been friends with or loved that hasn't affected my life, my personality, and basically the person I am today. It may have been a minor change, but a change nonetheless.

So my answer is:
Nobody yet everybody.

(See how I totally avoided the question...my husband and I are both a bit superstitious)

Day 13: Favorite Band

Umm...if you know me, this isn't going to be a surprise.

AFI

Speaking of gaining strength through music...these guys have helped me through some doozies (I'll explain more in a later post). They have such powerful, candid, yet beautiful lyrics accompanied by an awesome beat.

Back in highschool I would turn on the album "Black Sails in The Sunset" while I got ready and listened to it as I went to sleep.

Narrative of Soul Against Soul

To the wounded:
I have seen the self image
they've forced you to reduce to shattered glass,
with the only remaining value lying in it's jagged edges.
But the few who warrant waking for await their recognition.
No fear of death but with fear of life,
your weakness kills everyone.
So live.
Angels for everyone.
For no lack of searching I can't seem to find one.
Angels in everyone.
What of all their promises?
Can't seem to find much more than lies.
Angels in anyone.
A permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Before I'd lay me down to rest,
I'd throw away everything to live.

It might seem kind of dark, and I have to admit I don't listen to them as much anymore, but they will always be my favorite.

Day 12: Something I Love

Music.
I love how through the raw energy of punk rock I can gain strength.
Then there is the happy rhythm of ska and folk music where I can't help but dance around the kitchen with my kiddos.
There's music for loss and sadness as well as love.

Day 11: Something You Hate

Stupid, caddy, girls that gossip and don't care about anything or anyone but themselves. Who put fashion and looks above respect and integrity. Don't get me wrong; I like fashion, I love make-up, and I think it's good to have a lot of friends. I just don't think it's right to hurt and bully others. Call me crazy.

Day 10: The Person You Do the Silliest Things With

I'm a silly girl so I've had many partners in crime through out the years. I would have to say that currently, the person I do the silliest things with is:

My friend, Beth. This picture pretty much sums it up. We do a lot of silly things, but I'm going to have to say that having dance parties in the driveway is one of my favorites.

Day 9: person that has gotten you through the most

This guy has been with me through the most:


But this one has gotten me through the most:

(sorry to get all religious on all ya'll...but I'm trying to be honest!)

Ditching As a Family

We played hookie from church the other Sunday to go up to pine and see the snow.

Day 8: Something That Makes Me Laugh

Emo Phillips

(My family and I all have a warped sense of humor)

Pillows

Just a sample of some of the pillows I made for the couch. I have one more that's not quite finished and then two more that I purchased. I'll post more pics when my living room is finished. So fun!!

Day7: My Most Treasured Item

If there was a fire and all of my family was out and safe, what would I try to save? My pictures and my camera. Pictures are my most treasured item(s).

Day 6: a person you would love to trade places with for a day

I could say that I would like to trade places with, say, the President so I could change the World.
I should say that I would trade places with my enemy so I could understand why they do the things they do.

But...I'm not (seriously..can you really make that much of a difference in one day? And c'mon...me have enemies?! j/k).

If I could just trade life styles (not bodies) for just one day, I might want to be Jennifer Aniston. She's rich and unmarried (I wouldn't want to spend my day with anyone's husband...awkward!).
I could go to a super fancy hotel, order room service, get all the spa treatments I want, etc., etc. Then lastly, if we really traded lives for one day, then technically her money would be my money and I would pay off my house.

hmm...strike that...if we traded lives, she would be at my house and well...she may not be married, but I am. Soooo, I'm pretty sure this woman still has plenty of mula for me to blow through and she could work wonders at my house while I'm away:
The Super Nany- Jo Frost

Day 5: My Favorite Memory

This is the only picture I have of my mom and I!! Sad, huh?

I was not blessed with a great memory...quite the contrary. However, I have been blessed with countless memories that have been great. Most of them have to do with my children: finding out I was finally pregnant, my son laying sound asleep on my chest hours after his birth. Their laughter, hugs and sweet kisses. Then there are the memories I have of being with Joel: having him sing to me as we slow danced under the stars in my parents driveway. I have too many of those memories to choose just one.

Instead, I'm going to choose a memory from a long time ago, I must have been around 5 or maybe 6. My mom had decided to take me to the park, for whatever reason...I think she may have been having a bad day, I can't quite remember. Well, as the sky turned dark with dreary clouds and tiny little sprinkles dropped every now and then, she scooped me up in her arms and sang "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away."

It was the first time (that I can remember) hearing this song and I'm pretty sure I thought the song was made especially just for me. I remember feeling so happy and so loved.

Day 4: The Person You've "Liked" the Longest

Never fear, Brooklyn's here!

I could say that I've liked my husband the longest...but that like soon turned to love. So, I'm going to have to go with my first crush: Spot Conlon. Crushes have come and gone, put Spot will always have a place in my heart.

I say...that what you say...is what I say.

And just for giggles:

Day 3: Cast of Your Favorite Show

I don't really have a show that I'm absolutely in love with, but if I had to choose one, it would probably be The Mentalist.

Storyline

After a serial killer named Red John murdered Patrick Jane's wife and daughter, Jane dedicated his life to hunting down and killing Red John. To that end he gave up his lucrative pretense of being a psychic and joined the California Bureau of Investigation (CBI) as a consultant to the team responsible for investigating the Red John case, led by Senior Agent Teresa Lisbon. Using Jane's exceptional gift for observation and his mentalist tricks, the team is able to close an unprecedented number of cases, but Jane's unconventional and often outright illegal methods also bring much censure down on Lisbon's head, making his assistance both a blessing and a curse. Meanwhile, the hunt for Red John continues...

The Cast:
Patrick Jane (Simon Baker), Kimball Cho(Tim Kang), Teresa Lisbon(Robin Tunney), Wayne Rigsby(Owain Yeoman), and Grace Van Pelt(Amanda Righetti).