I find myself thinking about motherhood a lot lately. It is by far the hardest job I think that I could ever imagine. Not only because of the hours (although they are brutal), not only because of the lack of sick days and vacation time (which is zero. Most likely if you are sick, so are your children. So on "sick days" you have to actually work harder. The same goes for vacations...the extra work it takes to make everyone happy and to have everyone fall asleep and stay asleep in a hotel is a nightmare...and the drive...oh, the drive. I shudder just thinking about going on "vacation"). It's also the eternal perspective; it's my job to make sure these little ones grow to be good people. That they try to make righteous choices. I am the farthest thing from baby hungry one can be. I am TIRED all of the time. My "me" time consists of sitting in a dark room on a hard chair on my computer while itunes plays Mikayla her lullabies because she has to have mommy there. It wouldn't be so bad, except my bum starts to fall asleep after the first half hour. There is crying and whining....lots and lots of whining. Tantrums and games where dropping food and chucking sippy cups to see how many times mommy will fetch, fill my day. No, I am definitely not baby hungry. Then why...why when I see a necklace filled with numerous charms engraved with children's initials do I feel like someone's missing. Like I have charms on my necklace that are blank. No, I don't want more children, but I'm wondering if this feeling will go away...and if years down the road I will weep because I looked into the future and instead of trying to see what would be the best thing, I pushed through to see what I think I want: sleep, travel...things like that. No, I don't want more children, I have two happy healthy blessings. I couldn't risk having a child who isn't healthy. But in my mind's eye I see those blank charms, and my heart breaks just a little.
1 comment:
I love the symbolic way you wrote this! It fills me with total empathy/sympathy for your situation. I think all moms struggle a little between what is best for them and what is best for the kids because a little too often those can be polar opposites. However, I think as long as you have the best intentions at heart (like knowing you need to have some genuine "me" time by spending an extra 20 minutes in the shower while someone's whining for whatever) then everything will work out for the best and when the time is right (if that ever happens) you will know whether to have more kids. I know what you mean about almost missing your future children though. I get that feeling all the time... doesn't mean I want to be pregnant tomorrow though. Good luck!
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