You Never Know *updated

You don't know what you have until it's almost gone. Growing up, I always assumed that I would be a mom. I never gave it much thought, atually...that's just how it worked. Then, after Joel and I had been trying to have a baby for awhile- without success- it hit me that I might never have the chance to be a mother. That was a devasting thought for me. Now I didn't want to be a mom because that's what I was supposed to do, but because I wanted to feel that unconditional love. At first I felt like I was being cheated. However, I got my knees and then picked myself up and was determined to do whatever my Heavenly Father required of me to have children. I knew there was a child waiting to come down to our family and I couldn't dissappoint them (it's hard to explain how I knew this). Then, after my first miscarriage, I felt hollow as I watched all of my hopes and dreams being flushed away. Once again, I cried, got down on my knees, and then picked myself back up again. A few months later we were pregnant again. At 10 weeks I asked if I could get an ultrasound and my wonderful doctor obliged. My heart sank as the doctor explained that there was no heartbeat. I cried even more this time. I wondered if I should give up...maybe I wasn't meant to be a mom, or maybe I was supposed to take another route. So...once again I got down on my knees and then picked myself up once more. It was clear to me that I had to keep on this path...no matter how much it took out of me, with my Heavenly Father's help, I was able to come back even stronger. We had genetic testing done and found that we had something called "balanced translocation" (look it up..it's too hard to explain), because of this we would miscarry 60% of the time. I wasn't sure how to take this, but I knew there would be a lot of prayer. We then decided to have an IUI done (once again...look it up). It was an expensive and draining process. I had to go to North Scottsdale every day for 2 weeks- a lot of times after a long day of working. It was the night before the procedure and I was exhausted. I only had one mature egg and the chances were slim to get pregnant and high to miscarry. I had had enough. I called the nurse on call and told her that I would not be in the next morning for the IUI. Of course after I called I thought "hmmm...maybe I should pray about this first". So I knelt down and asked if I should do the IUI...I recieved an overwhelming feeling of "yes" and as tired as I was, I couldn't deny this. Resigned, I walked back into the kitchen, picked up the phone, and called the nurse back. That was how we got our beautiful little girl. I thought the worst was over. I had my child..she was healthy...what more could I want or even ask for? Little did I know that there was something much MUCH worse than infertility treatments and miscarriages.

We were able to get pregnant relatively easy with Hunter (and when I say relatively...I mean we did everything short of infertility treatments- no medicine or procedures). I had a little bit of a rollercoaster ride during the pregnancy with a little bit of spotting in the beginning, but all in all it was pretty easy going. Then we had him, and it was amazing. I was now the mother of TWO!! Me! Who would've thought. Then I got that awful, heart stopping phone call saying that my baby might have a terminal illness. He had only been here for a couple of weeks, but I already loved him much more than myself. I pleaded with the Lord to please let him be healthy. Take something, anything away from me, but please don't let him suffer. I cried more than I ever have. As we waited for the test and then the results, I knew I couldn't do it alone. This time it was too much for just me to handle. So not only did I get down on my knees...but I humbled myself and asked others to please join me (if you know me, you know just how hard this was for me). I will never be able to express just how much it means to me to know how much my little family is loved and how many people offered not only their prayers, but also love and service. Thankyou. Today I called the hospital for the results: he came back perfectly normal and healthy (and of course..once again I started to bawl!)!! I could seriously feel the weight of the World lift off of my shoulders andI felt like I could start living again. All the silly things I worried about before seem so trivial. My baby boy is healthy! I can't get over how relieved I feel. Now I truly know the meaning of blessed and I will definitely be celebrating this newfound outlook on life. You never know how much something means until it's almost taken away- not only the big things but also the litte everyday things like going to the park, hanging out with friends and their kids, not being worried about going to Target, or Disneyland. My family will definitely seize and celebrate each day to the fullest!!