Aug. 11, 2024 

It feels as if I'm waking up from a nightmare only to realize it's reality. Each morning I wake up, I forget that he's gone and then I try to convince myself that it's not real and then it settles in when he doesn't come down the stairs, when I see his picture, when I don't hear his laugh. When I don't see him.

They say it gets better with time, but how can that be true? The longer you're without someone, the more you miss them...not the opposite. Is it that you forget the person? But that sounds like it's own brand of torture.

I'm not sure if it's the same when you lose a baby...because then you're missing what they could have been, but I'm missing who he was.  

I'm missing his hugs.

I'm missing hiws laugh.

I'm missing his sense of humor.

And all I want to do is run away to the desert so I can get some space and fresh air, but he was the only person that would've gone with me. I should have gone with him more. 

Kintsugi

A friend of mine once compared her testimony of the gospel to a wall. She told me that all of the discoveries she was making were like tiny cracks in this wall and that while she might have been able to find answers to all of the questions and concerns, there were just too many. 
I didn't really understand it then and I have to admit...I still don't.
It got me thinking about a story I had heard. 

"The ancient Japanese discovered beauty in brokenness. When a ceramic bowl broke they tended to fix it unlike us who are used to throwing it away. A 15^th century Japanese shogun sent a broken tea bowl back to china to have it repaired.  It was returned to him in one piece but the way it had been repaired made it look ugly.  He asked some Japanese artisans to fix it.   They developed a method called Kintsugi which simply means ‘golden joinery’. The craftsman used a process where gold dust was used to highlight the cracks and fractures of the bowl. Instead of trying to hide the brokenness, they used gold to highlight it. And these bowls became some of the most valuable pieces of property a person could have. Everyone loved the beauty the cracks provided. In fact they would come to break vessels just so that they could be fixed by the Kintsugi craftsmen. These artists became some of the best craftsmen in the country because even though the break was more obvious, the repair was more beautiful."

I wanted to find the truth.
But that's a little trickier than one might think. People often say that the truth is simple. And it is. History, however, is not. 
So I dug and I researched and I looked for sources that I felt were reliable. 
It cost me hours upon hours of digging and studying and I found that things were inevitably skewed. 
But during this process, my cracks had been filled with gold and now I am stronger. 

You are my sunshine

Who would have thought that there could be so much sunshine in my little shadow.

You Ain't Takin' That From Me

Everyday I fight for
All my future somethings
A thousand little awards
I have to choose between

I could spend a lifetime
Earning things I don’t need
That’s like chasing rainbows
And coming home empty

And if you strip me,
Strip it all away
If you strip me,
What would you find
If you strip me,
Strip it all away
Ill be alright

Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I’ll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
But you aint taking that from me

'cuz when it all boils down
At the end of the day
It's what you do and say
That makes you who you are
Makes you think about it,
Think about it
Doesn't it
Sometimes all it takes is one voice

Everyday, I struggle with remembering what's truly important. I see all of the cute things I want: all of the nice cars, big houses, cute clothes and accessories...what are those? Distractions. I need to remember the real rewards of my life: my family, my friends, and my integrity.

Mikayla and I watched "Up" last night. When the old man started throwing all of his furniture out in order to make the house lighter (so the balloons would be able to lift the house up and he could then go and save his little sidekick and the bird...wow, that's a mouthful) Mikayla asked me why he was doing this...I explained that he had to make it lighter to be able to fly. She asked, "But why is he throwing away all of his stuff?" to which I simply said,"because things don't matter, Mikayla...people do."
(This answer seemed to make sense because she said "Oh." and kept watching.)

I hope that I can continue to get this simple, yet difficult, message across. That me and my family will always look for ways to find happiness through helping and standing up for what we believe in rather than through the trivial things that, in the big picture, don't really matter.

My children will hear many voices throughout their lives...I'm only one voice in a million. But there's no way they can hear me if I don't speak up. I not only have to have a voice, but I have to live as an example (which speaks much louder than words).

Don't get me wrong, I still love shopping, I still love decorating...I'm just not going to chase other people's rainbows, but instead, I'm going to be happy with what I have while aspiring to make a better life for me and my family.

This song has so many different ways I can interpret it...maybe I'll post about other ways later ;). I love it!

Don't Tell Me My Business, Devil Woman

Okay...so I came across this article not long ago and at first I was all "Oh, no! Let me run to my closet and make sure I've thrown out all my glitter pants!". Ok, not really. But it got me thinking about why this woman decided to write this particular article. Not "Things you might want to reconsider after thirty" or maybe putting a list of things you should wear. No, instead someone decided to take certain articles of clothing and ban them to women who have metamorphosed into old crones the day after the great and destructive 3-0 birthday. 
Here is the list of over thirty commandments. Thou Shalt Not Wear:

1. Scrunchies
2. Abercrombie & Fitch
3. Platform flip flops
4. Glitter eyeshadow
5. Cheap bras
6. Old sneakers
7. Booty shorts
8. American Eagle
9. Crop tops
10. Overalls
11. Mini skirts
12. Short dresses
13. Tube tops
14. Furry anything
15. Furry boots
16. Hoop earrings
17. Non-matching socks
18. Oversized sunglasses
19. Sparkly pants, unless it’s New Year’s Eve
20. Leopard print

Okay, I'm going to argue here that 1-5, 7, 9, 11-13 are no-go's for everyone...seriously. Booty shorts? Uh, no. Crop tops? Yuck. If your argument is because you think that once you turn thirty  you somehow  turn flabby overnight, well then that's a load of BS.  I don't think it's wise to tell a group of people what they can and cannot wear. 

Old Sneakers AND hoops earrings

Your clothes, your style...it's part of your identity and to tell someone that just because they've reached a certain age means that they should change a part of who they are, is ridiculous. IF they want to use that time to reinvent themselves, then more power to them...but that's not up to some twenty-something to decide. I'm tired of hipsters thinking they know more than people who are older than them...like somehow the generations that came before them are unenlightened or even, dare I say...stupid. That we need a twenty year old to inform us when we look ridiculous. Here's a little hint: we don't care what you think. 

Most of us are aware of what we should or shouldn't wear based on our body types and what we feel comfortable in. Those who don't have a clue now didn't have a clue when they were twenty, either...it's not the age...it's the person.

Here are some samples of the things that were banned by the above article that prove women over thirty actually can wear them.

After 30 by babyruth30 featuring a lace top

Meadow Rue lace top
anthropologie.com

Paige Denim stretch jeans
$170 - avenue32.com

Fix You

I'm sitting here, looking at my Facebook wall...looking at all the pictures, all the memories. The crazy, funny, happy, lovely things my kids and my husband did...all the great times we've had over the past year
When the song Fix you comes on Pandora.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

This song has special meaning to me. It's one that I would listen to over and over again after my miscarriages.
My heart is so full of gratitude right now. Filled with so much joy. Pure joy. The kind that wraps your heart in warmth but still manages to tug at it a little with sadness.
We've come a long way.
I have my treasures.
And they are worth it.
Every frustration. Every scream. Every tear.
Every loss.

My Whole Life

My husband is a lot of things, but emotional is not one of them. He's not a romantic. He's not one to sit down after a long day and talk until the early hours of the morning.
It was a little bit hard to get used to in the beginning of our marriage, but I've accepted it now, and I'm fine with it.
So imagine my surprise to his response when I casually mentioned something that, quite honestly had such a small impact on me that I forgot to say anything until later that night.
You see, on our way home from church-it was just me, and the kids, Joel had to stay after-I was stopped at a 4 way stop sign and there was a silver truck to my left. While I was waiting for him to go, I noticed that the car coming from in front of me wasn't slowing down. I knew he was going to run the stop sign and the truck to my left wasn't paying attention. The thought to honk my horn came and left without me doing anything.
Tires squealed, smoke rose, the little red car hit the tail end of the big silver truck. And there I sat. Untouched.
I recounted this story to Joel, expecting him to say what he did.
"Did you stop?"
"Yes. I gave her my name and number just in case. But it wasn't serious. Everyone was fine. Just a little dent."
And then I looked over to him as he knelt down, about to say his nightly prayer, and he quietly said,"Thank you for paying attention."
I smiled and gave him a wave of the hand in an 'it's nothing' sort of way, but then he continued saying that he really appreciated that I was paying attention because his whole life was there, in my car.

I sure do love this man of mine.

No Regrets

 

I found myself counting down the hours, the minutes, until naptime. Hunter is away for a guy's weekend with Joel (to Disneyland and Knottsberry Farm) and it was just me and Chloe for a time.
She was being a little bit fussy...but nothing major. Most likely she was just bored, like I was. I think the problem was that I couldn't do what I wanted to do. So, I impatiently looked at the clock and then flipped through some netflix shows.

I remembered an article to Not Carpe Diem. An article that I loved, so I felt justified in my lack of attentiveness. I can't possibly look forward to every single second of every single day. The lady that wrote the article said so. A lot of moms look forward to naptime. I told myself.
And then I thought about something a bit grim, which, as we all know, isn't a new thing for me. I thought about how I would feel should Chloe get tangled up in her shirt as she takes it off in her crib (because that's what she does). What would happen if these moments were my last moments with her?

Now, you.can't.think like that all of the time. You would go crazy.
But I decided to make a conscious effort to turn that moment around. To just be.

However, when you're in line at the grocery store and your toddler is trying to perform great acrobatics feats for the audience by attempting to leap out of your arms as you desperately hold on to her and your son is taking the lane dividers and stretching them out, then moving them and then takes off running down the aisle so you have to leave in order to chase him down, losing your place in line, so you have to start all over again...should I enjoy that moment? The author suggests that that moment is hard. That moment doesn't require you to take the energy to be grateful. Who would be grateful for that moment?? But...

What happens if you finally get out, pile all of your groceries in (find the toothbrush that your son managed to slip into the cart, haul the kids back inside while you put it away, and then reload everyone)...how would you feel if you sat your exhausted self in the driver's seat and on your way home you got into a car accident?

Do not take this life, each and every moment you have with these children, for granted. It is my suggestion that we do carpe diem, every moment.

Always, always look for the good. Always try to live in the moment.

What's so bad about running down the aisle to chase after your son? The looks you get from an older generation? Why do we let other people's ideas of social norms dictate our actions.
Why don't you leave your cart and chase after him. And, I know you are faster than your child, so when you catch him, why don't you tickle him, make him laugh, throw him in the air, love him.
Now...when you get home, you need to have a talk about why he shouldn't run away. IF your answer is because it makes mommy mad, or frustrated, or it's because you can't act crazy in public...then this is clearly not the blog for you. You let him know that you could lose him, and that would break your heart. He can't run away because sometimes there are people who could snatch him away and that his super mommy wouldn't be there to beat that person up. Teach him.
There will be times when he can't run away (like in the parking lot). Know that he will want to, and take preventative steps in that scenario. Tell him what's expected. Put a magnet on the side of the car and have him put his hand on it until it's time to go. 

There will still be fights. There will still be whining. But as we try to parent as God would, then those will (hopefully!) lessen.
However, the point of this post isn't about parenting, necessarily, it's about trying to avoid pitalls that would have us look back with regret. You can be tired. You can get annoyed. The key is to not let it stay that way. To not let it fester. azz3To turn those moments into brief ones and let joy, wonder, and gratitude be the main emotions you feel.
(Here's a great article about trying to avoid ruts as a parent: http://creativewithkids.com/the-day-i-realized-i-was-bullying-my-kids/
Here's a challenge to stop the yelling: http://theorangerhino.com/category/30-days-project/ )

My point is to live with the motto of no regrets.
I personally never want to miss a moment with my children. That's why I wake up in the middle of the night with my baby. The 'what ifs' are too serious for me to ignore.  They make me anxious.
I choose to be grateful for everything, even the chaos.
Am I tired? Yes. Do my children bring me close to the point of having to admit myself into a mental facility? Absolutely. But while in those moments, you can still see the good. 
I choose to live without regrets. 

If you have something you want to do. Something you want to be...do it.
Work toward your goal. You need to take at least a little bit of time each day and seize your dream. Carpe diem.

We can take charge of our lives and our days and do something. Become someone. Improve ourselves, our lives, and the lives of our family.
But, you still have to survive. So whatever you do, do it well and find joy in it. Be grateful for it.
Do what you can to be present and in the moment. Turn crazy or hard moments into memorable ones.
If you're having a rough day at work, you can choose to reward yourself when you get off. Look forward to something. Maybe go buy a few simple gifts for your children for when you go home. You can take a break and do a simple act of service for a coworker. You can look up and smile at people. Buy a homeless person a sandwich on your lunch break. You can take pride in your work and feel good about your accomplishments.

All of us need to get enough sleep, make good choices when it comes to what we eat, exercise, be healthy. If you're healthy then it's easier to have the energy you need to make it through the day.  


By the way...not everything takes energy. You can have peace and be grateful simply watching a movie with your family. You can even have it when they're sick.

Life isn't about being easy, it's about making it worth it.

No Regrets, #23 of 85 8x8s, ©2009. KmBerggren ~ Message from the Artist: Time and time again a quote I once heard occurs to me; that tears cried at graves are often tears of regret, and I’m reminded to make every day count ~ not to be a perfect mother in every day or situation because I know I am incapable ~ but to ensure that above all else, no matter what, my boys and my husband know how I feel… and I show them with my actions and time.

Halloween is almost here!